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We are getting some new carpets so I rang up Carpet Right. I saw on their website that they'll send round a man to measure up and bring you loads of samples to choose from, 'all the comfort of your own home.'

I thought they were just a cheapo, pikey carpet shop for skint people, usually situated next to Burger King on retail parks - but apparently not! No! When I rang the call centre I didn't speak to an operator, I spoke to an 'Associate'. And we don't have a salesman coming round, we have a 'Carpet Consultant'.