Monday, April 24, 2006

New job

I started at my new office today. Everything was going fine until - horror of horrors - I realised I had diarrhoea. (probably the nerves.)

Now, usually in a new job I like to wait at least 2 weeks before defecating in the office loo. It's a very important milestone, that first work poo, do you know what I mean? So there I was, first afternoon, very small office, tiny loo right off the main hall, badly fitting door, diarrhoea - need I say more? I'm hoping my first impression won't jeopardise what could be a promising career.

On a totally different subject: I am going to have to slowly introduce my tea drinking habits to my new colleagues. Quite frankly, 2 cups in a day is just not enough. 2 cups an hour maybe. Honestly, I thought I was going to shrivel up into a dried out old husk and be blown away by the waft of fag smoke drifting in from the people waiting at the bus stop just outside my window. I have to say this about my old office, we kept ourselves fed and watered - literally a fresh brew every hour to wash down the ready supply of biscuits.

Other new things learned today: Picturesque as it may be, it is not a good idea to sit on a bench by a loch full of swans and attempt to eat a sandwich. Those are big fucking birds and when you’re seated on a low bench and they waddle up to you, their beaks are exactly at sandwich level. I was scared - especially of the brave one that looked me in the eye. To combat this I looked straight back at it, growled, and gobbled down my sarnie as fast as I could.

I will find a different bench for my lunch tomorrow.


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