Supposedly true

One of the less glamorous jobs undertaken by my new practice is the refurbishment of a whole estate of council houses. (unglamorous maybe but it pays the wages) We are at the defects stage. These are genuine reports from the council tenants - allegedly. I think they are just a bit too good to be true.

1. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the toilet roof. I think it was the bad wind the other night that blew them off.

2. My lavatory seat is cracked. Where do I stand?

3. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

4. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

5. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

6. Would you please send a man to repair my spout? I am a pensioner and need it badly.

7. The man next door has a large erection in his back garden which is unsightly and dangerous.

8. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.

9. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.