Sunday, March 16, 2008

There's a moose loose aboot this hoose

Nick: Oh my god!!! there's a mouse!
Me: where? oh god!
Nick: quick - get the cat!

Nick runs to get the cat who is sleeping on the boiler. Puts confused cat down in front of terrified mouse

Nick: There, maggie - get the mouse - go on!
Cat: huh? what? (spots mouse) AARRRGH!!! (runs away in opposite direction, fur bristling)
Nick: Maggie! get the mouse.
Cat: ok ok, hang on, I'm a bit rusty atthis mousing business. (creeps nervously towards mouse) You see I've got the hunter's body stance, but I'm just lacking the killer instinct.... AARRRGH! I've seen it! It's a huge mouse!  

(mouse runs along edge of wall and disappears through a hole between the skirting board and new fire place.)

Cat: Right you, furry vermin. I've got the measure of you now. Just you wait. Your mousy days are numbered pal. Check out these teeth. Yeah thats right - hide in your little hidey hole.... Hmm hang on, did you go down the hole? maybe you are under this armchair. (crawls under the chair) nope. Maybe round here? nope. Under this rug? Where are you? Oh arsecheeks. Lost you. I'll just lie down in front of the fire here in case you come out later........zzzzzzzzzz

Nick: Free board and lodging and this is what we get in return?  (Turns to me)  Mouse trap?
Me:  Yeah.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is what you get for overfeeding her!

4:35 PM  
Blogger Primrose Hill said...

Hi Maggie,

Would you like to come and stay with me for a little while and I'll show you how to get your killer instinct back? We've got lots of mice here, I bring them in all the time for Lisa and Gregg, but for some reason they don't seem that fussed about them, they just throw them out the front door into the burn.... really don't understand these strange humans sometimes!

Maybe see you some time soon.

Little Miss Lexie x

P.S. Did you catch the mouse or was it stupid enough to go into the trap?

10:25 AM  
Anonymous Maggie said...

Dear little Miss Lexie,

Thank you for your kind invitation.

Under normal circumstances I would love to visit for your instructional course 'Mousing for Beginners' but I am concerned that my perfectly white paws may become soiled if forced to prowl around in the countryside looking for vermin. I've always been a suburban cat you see, and the thought of having to don wellies and face down huge hoards of mice is aborant to me.

Having said that, last night I was successful in catching the mouse that has been tresspassing. Luckily my humans spotted the mouse, and put me down beside it so I didn't have to expend too much effort. The chase was short but sweet.

I played with it for a while for my own amusment, then my humans took the mouse away and put it in the bin! Spoil sports. Why did they want me to catch it if they were just going to throw it away?

Humans are such a mystery to me.

Lots of purrs,

Maggie x

PS do you find it hard to type with your paws?

1:18 PM  
Blogger Eleanor said...

Dear Maggie,

I think you mean 'abhorrent'. You must get your human to improve her spelling teaching...

E x

4:12 PM  
Anonymous Maggie said...

Dear Eleanor,

I am a cat. Wot can you expect?

x Maggie

4:26 PM  
Anonymous Dave B said...

Why don't Felix and Whiskers etc make cat food in Mouse and Vole flavours etc? Instead they have things like Smoked Salmon or Beef. How exactly would cats smoke any salmon they caught if they were living in the wild? And can you really imagine a cat taking down a cow?

9:29 PM  
Blogger Tracy said...

Hello Maggie, I used to kill all sorts of things and bring them home for the family to admire. Pidgeons were my favourite - but many, many mice too. My Mum always turned green and scolded me, so now I just sleep all day instead. There's just no pleasing some people. Tell your Mum to get a mousetrap and bait it with bits of Mars bar. That should do the trick and then her high expectations of you will recede and you will be able to get back to more important things like swatting the dog and watching the TV, Love from Fifi (Surrey) xxx

7:17 AM  
Blogger Twila Grace said...

If only I could lend my cats to you! The two of them would compete to get the mouse first! I hope that you were able to find it and get it out of the house! I know that I'm not able to sleep knowing that a mouse is in the house. My Grandfather told me that once when he was sleeping on the devon (old-fashioned term for a sofa), a mouse crawled up his pant leg. That story was enough to keep me awake when a mouse was around.

4:36 AM  
Blogger Sarah Jayne said...

Not quite as insticntive as you thought then. Honestly all my 2 do is sleep given the chance.

10:39 PM  

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