But it's all done by computers nowadays, isn't it?

Just so you know, I don't work harder because you complain

Dawning Realisation

2 weeks to lose some weight before going on holiday

There's a moose loose aboot this hoose

Nick: Oh my god!!! there's a mouse!
Me: where? oh god!
Nick: quick - get the cat!

Nick runs to get the cat who is sleeping on the boiler. Puts confused cat down in front of terrified mouse

Nick: There, maggie - get the mouse - go on!
Cat: huh? what? (spots mouse) AARRRGH!!! (runs away in opposite direction, fur bristling)
Nick: Maggie! get the mouse.
Cat: ok ok, hang on, I'm a bit rusty atthis mousing business. (creeps nervously towards mouse) You see I've got the hunter's body stance, but I'm just lacking the killer instinct.... AARRRGH! I've seen it! It's a huge mouse!  

(mouse runs along edge of wall and disappears through a hole between the skirting board and new fire place.)

Cat: Right you, furry vermin. I've got the measure of you now. Just you wait. Your mousy days are numbered pal. Check out these teeth. Yeah thats right - hide in your little hidey hole.... Hmm hang on, did you go down the hole? maybe you are under this armchair. (crawls under the chair) nope. Maybe round here? nope. Under this rug? Where are you? Oh arsecheeks. Lost you. I'll just lie down in front of the fire here in case you come out later........zzzzzzzzzz

Nick: Free board and lodging and this is what we get in return?  (Turns to me)  Mouse trap?

Me:  Yeah.

Swimming Poo

We ventured out the house this weekend to try the new local swimming pool. We should have known it would be a bad idea to go at 3.00pm on a rainy Sunday afternoon, but we braved the hoards of kids anyway and set about swimming up and down.

At the end of the second length Nick had turned around to talk to me and I suddenly spotted a poo – bobbing cheekily in the water between us. After a quick shriek and some synchronised-swimming-type backwards skulling we swan over to the attendant to inform him of the offending article.

He raised his eyes to heaven and wandered up to the deep end wielding a net on a stick. He scooped out the poo. Then he stood looking into the water frowning. By this point all swimmers were studiously avoiding that quadrant of the pool. Then he went off and came back with a huge colander on a stick and fished about again. More frowning. Next he came back armed with the big guns, a 4 foot long implement a bit like a brush that both removes small particles of floating debris from the surface and scrubs down the grills and filters at the edge of the pool. A suited supervisor was brought in to inspect the water.

We swam up and down a few more times at the other side of the pool with our mouths clamped firmly shut, then got out. It might be a while until we go back for another swim.

excuse not to wash my hair

I read in the New Scientist that if you have greasy hair the levels of ozone around your head are higher which is beneficial. At last an excuse to stay in bed an extra 10 minutes!

sometimes I want to squeeze her sooooo hard...

Timber!