Medical advance

Boys look away now...

I am pleased to report a major advance in medical science. I had my 3 yearly trip to see the nurse this morning. (I'm sure you know what I'm talking about) I asked her to make sure she warmed up the speculum and she said, 'oh! We don't use metal ones any more, these are plastic so don't feel cold at all'

I can confirm that, as she promised, it didn't feel cold. Still, it did nothing to diminish the excruciating embarrassment of having your legs up on stirrups. Thank god that's over for another 3 years.

Observations made this weekend:

1) A live football match is the perfect opportunity to sit staring into middle distance for 2 hours and have no-one bother you. Just wrap up warmly.

2) The Chelsea Football Club Hotel is full of pikeys chain smoking and knocking back lager. And it has a Harry Ramsden fish and chip restaurant in the lobby.

3) A good trashy novel is essential when spending 4 hours on the loo in your hotel room with a dodgy bowel complaint. This weekend I chose Michael Crichton. I did not choose the Dodgy Bowel complaint, it just found me and enjoyed my company. I was very tired the next day.

4) Do not leave your suitcase with reception of afore-mentioned hotel and expect them to know where they put it when you come back to collect it later. They will sling it in a room with 200 other suitcases, no identification and no ordered system of retrieval.

5) When asking Brother-in-law to retrieve said suitcase from Disaster Zone, do not tell brother-in-law to look for a black suitcase when your suitcase is actually grey.

6) Apologise gracefully for your mistakes in the mis-identification of suitcase, resulting in Brother-in-law searching in vain for 40 minutes for a black suitcase instead of grey one.

7) When using the automatic ticket machine to buy a single train ticket, ensure you check carefully the tickets you select BEFORE entering your credit card. Otherwise you may inadvertently purchase 2 adult return tickets and 2 child return tickets costing you £42 more than was srictly necessary.

8) Consider checking that the train you intend to board is actually running, and has not been replaced by a coach service due to engineering works. It is advisable to do this before you waste a couple of hours browsing in the shops because coaches are MUCH slower than trains.

8) When choosing your seat on an Easy Jet flight home, do not choose the seat next to bored 4 year old with a cold, a temper, and a neglectful mother.

Heed my warnings...

Grammar lesson

I have been criticized for writing with bad grammar on this blog. I apologise wholeheartedly. It's such a tricky thing to get right though, and with those GCSE English lessons many years behind me, who is going to teach me now?

I was pondering this today while standing in the queue at the supermarket checkout. I was in the '10 items or fewer' queue. I am positive this used to be the '10 items or less' queue. Which is correct? Is there a difference in the meaning?

(It's not quite the same thing but at Christmas Currys changed their catchphrase from 'Currys, always cutting prices' to 'Currys, always lowering prices'. It was a bit silly - they tried to shoe-horn the new word 'lowering' into the same tune and it just didn't fit.)

I have read 'Eats shoots and leaves' and came to the conclusion my skills weren't too bad. Now it seems my readers have seen fit to point out I am far from perfect. I apologise, but would request that grammatical errors are allowed to pass unmentioned, as you would if you noticed a big pulsating spot on the end of my nose. Acknowledge it internally but look away politely.

suppository anyone?

I have been slightly put off white chocolate since Christmas when my Father informed me that it is made of Oil of Theobroma, the same stuff they use to make suppositories.

Dad has never been able to enjoy white chocolate because, as a student pharmacist, he had to learn how to make suppositories and has never been able to break that mental connection.

I have always thought there was something a bit odd about it myself, I mean, there's nothing very chocolaty about it really. Luckily I've never had the urge to push it up my bum, so thanks for small mercies.

First case of bird flu has been spotted in the UK

need a smile?

Try typing March 20th into google and see what you get.

Both of today's posts are attributed to Roz - I can't think of anything original to say due to large workload and extreme bordom

You decide...

The classic Nokia ring tone: (diddle-oo-do diddle-oo-do diddle-oo-do-dooo)

Ironic and old school, or just plain irritating?

I have this ring-tone because I can't face listening to all the other options I could use instead. Every time it rings I feel a bit embarrassed. Should I? Or should I embrace it?

You decide

Gotta have one...

I have GOT to get me one of these.

New lunch invention

New recipe idea; invented by us yesterday and tested 10 minutes ago:

Roast Dinner Cous Cous Salad

1) Cook large Sunday roast dinner.
2) Eat and enjoy.
3) Chop up all left overs (roast lamb, roast potatoes, roasted squash, red onions, shallots, carrots)
4) Mix with cous cous. (don't include the gravy - that would just be gross)
5) Put in tupperware box and have for lunch the next day.

Much nicer than it sounds.

Yesterday I saw the most extraordinary thing in Tesco: Australian mineral water.

Is it just me or does this seem totally ridiculous? Why are we importing (and it was imported, I checked the label) water from the other side of the world?

Bottled water is such a waste of energy. In this age of spiraling carbon emissions why are we expending fuel moving water around? If it comes from Buxton or the Scottish highlands then it's just about acceptable if you need a drink and there isn't a tap available, but I would never buy it for consumption at home, and I would never buy water that has been shipped or flown in from another country. Even importing French water seems a waste to me, but Australian?? That's just on another level of stupidity.

Then there's the packaging. All that waste plastic (made from oil) just chucked away.

I have also heard news stories recently about chronic water shortages in the major Australian Cities. Maybe if it gets really really bad, the Red Cross can help out by raising money to fly back their Mineral water to quench the thirst of dying Australians.

I don't have eco-warrior tendencies, but I like to think I use common sense. I try and turn off lights when I leave the room, I recycle waste paper and tins, and I absolutely definitely WILL NOT be purchasing Australian mineral water. I urge you to do the same.

Polite greeting or insult?

Today, at the supermarket checkout, the cashier said to me 'Hiya Hen'. I was a bit taken aback because people don't usually address me as 'Hen'.

It started me wondering how often I unwittingly offend or confuse people with my particular colloquialisms.

For ages I didn't realise that the people in my office had never heard the phrase 'Get In'. I use it all the time to mean 'nice one'. Unfortunately my colleagues were a bit confused, understanding it in a more sexual sense, consequently worrying about my seemingly perverted views on certain topics of discussion.

What's in a name?

I learnt today that my name means 'little lamb' or 'a ewe' which is bit disturbing. I suppose I have a tendency to bleat, but on the other hand I don't have a tail caked in my own poo.

Luckily my second name is Sarah, which means 'princess'.


Marvel at my photoshop genius.

Interesting phenomenon Part 4

Here is another interesting phenomenon for the girls (or boys with long hair) I have discovered recently:

Have you noticed how hairs that fall out of your head seem to congregate under the armpits of your winter coat? Honestly - go and have a look now.

See? Weird huh?

flatulence

Is it dangerous to hold your trumps in?

Where do they go if you do? Are they re-absorbed by your body or do you just carry on getting bigger and bigger, like a human balloon?

Forget the Meaning Of Life, these are the important questions that really matter.

Advice needed

I have bought and consumed a beetroot, apple, pear and ginger smoothie. It was sooooo delicious. I was wondering about recreating it myself but I'm a bit confused as to how to use beetroot. Presumably I don't use pickled beetroot, so what do I do with the raw whole one? Do I need to cook it? Do I juice it raw? How can you juice vegetables without an expensive juicing machine?

questions questions

Unappreciated generosity

Me: Would you like a doughnut?
Zoe: (peering into the bag) urgh, they look a bit...well...flabby (took one anyway)
Roz: (reaching into the bag) yummmm, deep fried cake.

That's the last time I buy treats for the office. Humph.

Who wants to live forever?

I heard a Biologist on 'Start the Week' on Radio 4 who has worked out a way of treating living beings on a cellular level to stop the aging process. In this way he believes Humans could live to be 1000 years old.

Apparently your treatment would start at about 40 years of age and you would forever be locked in a state of middle age. So, no more decline into frailty. He also believes that the treatments will be available in 10-15 years, following rigorous testing on mice.

Is it just me or does this sound like an horrific idea?

You can listen again to the programme here

Curse of the fluffy towels

I seem to write alot of posts about my wedding white fluffy towels. They appear to have some strange force all of their own. Last time they mysteriously ended up being used as dust sheets by our plasterer. This time they thwarted my father, who came to stay last night.

Before going to bed I told him where to find the towels for his shower, knowing he'd be up before me. This morning, in the semi-gloom of the spare room, he reached into the airing cupboard and pulled out what he assumed to be a lovely fluffy white towel. Stumbling half asleep to the bathroom he performed his morning ablutions and then proceeded to dry himself with the afore mentioned towel.

Thinking to himself 'These towels aren't very fluffy', he took a closer look and realised he had been using a £2.50 Ikea Bathmat instead.

loo paper

I remember hearing once that Americans use loo paper by tearing off a long section and scrunching it up ready for use, whereas the Brits neatly fold the paper prior to application to the behind.

Can this be true? How would one verify this theory? Can this differing approach to loo paper be used as a measure of national psyche? Discuss.

**UPDATE**

Having conducted a straw poll in the office I have found that this indeed is true. Admittedly my sample population was rather small (3 Brits and a Canadian) but it had 100% success. The Canadian was a little bit sniffy about being lumped in with the Americans but I was having to make the best of the poor selection of people I had on offer. The results are as follows:

English: Fold
Scottish: Fold
Irish: Fold
Canadian: Scrunch

An eye for an eye?

I don't like to get too political normally, but this I just can't help:

How can it be really, really bad to publish a cartoon but acceptable to behead the person who published it?

I've been trying to think of something that could be that offensive to me and I just can't. I mean, there are things that offend me, but not to that extent. Not enough to want someone to die.

I am bewildered and saddened by the strange world we live in.

15 seconds of fame

Nick and I were mentioned on Radio Cumbria on Friday Night. Oh the glamour, as they say.

We were batting down the M6 on the way to Bolton and channel hopping to try and find some cheesy sing-a-long music. We hit apon Radio Cumbria, which was churning out some great 80's classics as well as some little competitions. Nick was positive he knew the answer to one of the competitions. We texted in the answer:

Living in a box, by Living in a box, x from Rach and Nick

The DJ announced: 'Thanks for your text, Rack and Nick.' What Weirdo pronounces Rach 'Rack'??? I texted back:

it's Rach as in Rachel, not Rack as in lamb.

He read that out too, much to our amusement. He can't have had many listeners that night.

Unfortunately we never knew if 'living in a box' was the right answer because we arrived at out Travelodge before he revealed it. It will forever remain a mystery...

New things learned today

Feuter. Northern Irish word, verb, meaning to fiddle with disastrous consequences, to tinker with in a clumsy manner.

K.I.P.P.E.R Acronym meaning: 'Kids In Parents Pockets Exhausting Resources.

N.I.P.P.L.E Acronym meaning: 'Northern Irish Professional Person Living in Edinburgh'

Made in scunthorpe

All the best things are made in Scunthorpe, my much ridiculed home town.

I've mentioned in the past the doomed golden wonder factory, but imagine my surprise when phoning up to get more information on a hideous bath I've installed on a job, to find that it too is made in Scunny!

This bath is supposed to be the height of luxury. It costs £6500. You can text it and it will fill up by itself. It heats up the water if it get cool. It has air jets to dry itself when you get out. It has a window in the front to enable guests to see your genitals magnified 10x.

It's made in Scunthorpe. I rest my case.

Visit to dentist

Nick is annoyed with me.

Despite his consciencous flossing, brushing and rinsing, he still has to go back to get a tooth filled - while I, with my rather more cavalier attitude to dental hygiene, came through with flying colours! Ha haaaaa!

Citrus gamble

For the second day running I have taken the satsuma gamble and lost.

You never can tell until it's in your gob and it's too late. Will it be a delicious, sweet, juicy one, or will it be one of those disgusting, sour, weird textured ones? There's no way of knowing in advance, and it's such a disappointment, especially after investing time and sticky fingers in peeling it in the first place.

You never get this with a banana. You know where you stand with a banana.